Ever since the government committed to its ‘Green Hands, Green Lands’ recycling scheme after scrutiny was directed towards the PM and his International Warfare Party’s stance on renewable energy, we’ve all been anxiously awaiting their first official “Greenitiative”.
Here at Radio Fodder, we strongly believe in making baseless predictions to fuel our writing flow and creativity, and as such, we have an exclusive to share with our readership!
After extensive research and polling, we now believe that the government will soon be seizing vinyl collections to melt down into weapons material in the wake of our renewed patriotic love for war and exploitation.
So hold onto your hats – hipsters, DJs, music aficionados and racist uncles alike – and get the first look at these six music formats that will absolutely be making a comeback once your collection of rare Ke$ha vinyl is transformed into an instrument of death!
- Cassette Tapes
I’m gonna level with you – if you plan to collect cassettes in preparation for the impending vinyl war, it will turn out better for you in the long run if you simply hand them over to me. I’m currently trying to win a silent yet ferocious battle with a girl I’ve never met regarding who has the best collection, and I won’t be able to win unless I get my grubby little hands on as many as possible.
Likely to be paired with the return of Betamax, Laserdisc will surely be the closest living relative to vinyl once it becomes extinct. Also, if you accidentally scratch your Laserdisc beyond repair by putting it in your record player, it also doubles as a bonus frisbee! Score!
- Those Tiny CD Singles That Came With Bratz Dolls Circa 2004
Who doesn’t remember tiny CDs? These adorable, tiny donuts of sound are portable, compact and somehow impossible to not lose! Plus, if the soldiers forcibly enter your living quarters these discs can easily be snapped into small, sharp daggers you can use to protect your offspring!
- Mp3 Players That Hold Fifteen Songs
Fifteen songs were all we needed to have a fun road trip back in ’04, and that’s exactly what will happen again after The Repossession! Unlearn your innate musical greed, cast aside all notions of snobbishly superior taste and learn to conform – finding the beauty in small batches of Government Approved Bops has never been such a nostalgia trip!
- Floppy Disc
I mean, you’ll need about 4 separate discs to play just one song, but you can pretend the gunfire outside is the sound of dial-up internet. Haha, remember dial-up? Throwback!
- Macca’s 2006 Happy Meal Toys That Play ‘4Ever’ By The Veronicas
The best for last – because there’s no room for shame when the soldiers come. Once vinyl is gone we will finally be able to admit to each other that ‘4Ever’ is the only song we ever truly connected with… spiritually. What better way to honour it than to make it the only song in your entire post-apocalyptic music library? Thanks to Macca’s, our wildest dreams will come true in one flimsy, plastic rectangle with a picture of The Veronicas pasted on the front – praise be to the Golden Arches!
Disclaimer: This column is a work of satire. Any issues that may be caused due to our readers’ failure to recognise subtextual sarcasm are not the responsibility of the blog or its parent, Farrago Magazine. Don’t forget your daily dose of Crazy Frog’s “Axel F” before you go to sleep tonight.